Black Adder II -- Bells

[Baldrick holds a dartboard over his head, while Edmund practises the bow]

B: Ah, very good shot, my lord.

E: Thank you, Baldrick.

[Percy walks in]

S: Sorry I'm late.

E: No, don't bother apologizing. I'm sorry you're alive.

S: Oh good, I see the target is ready. [Picks up the bow]

I'd like to see the Spaniard who could make his way passed me.

E: Well, go to Spain. There're millions of them.

S: I'll advise them to stay there then. Keep their hands off our women.

E: Oh God, who is she this time?

S: I don't know what you mean. Aah, ouch, aah.

[Edmund succeeds in pilfering a letter from Percy]

E: Aah, and who is Jane?

S: I'm sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, you shall never know.

Ooh, ouch... Jane Herrington. We're very much in love, my lord.

E: This is *the* Jane Herrington?

S: Yes.

E: Jane - burry-me-in-a-wide-shaped-coffin - Herrington.

S: I.., I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons.

E: No... Tall, blond, elegant?

S: Right, that's right.

E: Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town?

Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her.

... [Percy aims]

E: I did.

... [Percy aims again]

E: So did Baldrick actually. [Percy's shot ends up way too low]

S: Damned!

E: You see, she's got this thing about beards apparently.

S: Well, in that case I'm going to shave!

[Percy leaves]

E: Bad luck, Boulders.

B: Not to worry my lord, the arrow didn't in fact enter my body.

E: Oh good.

E: No, by a thousand to one chance my willy got in the way.

E: Extraordinary.

B: And I only just put it there. But now, I will leave it there

forever.

E: That so Baldrick? It can be your lucky willy.

B: Yes, my lord. Years from now I'll show it to my grandchildren.

E: No Baldrick, I think that grandchildren may now be out of the

question.

Poor old Pee Brain, eh? Ha! Never catch me falling in love, that's

for damned sure as mustard[?].

[Knock on the door]

E: Come in.

[Kate enters, dressed in boys clothes]

b: Good day to you, Lord Blackadder!

E: Ah, good day to you... boy?!. What is it brings you here?

b: I'm an honest hard working lad, but poor and I must support my

father who is stark raving mad. Therefore I come to London to seek a

servants wage.

E: Yes, indeed. Unfortunately I already have a servant.

b: The word is that your servant is the worst servant in London.

E: Hmm, that's true. Baldrick you're fired. Be out of the house in ten

minutes. Well young man you've got your self a job. What do they

call you?

b: Kate.

E: Isn't that a bit of a girls name?

b: Oh..it's..euh... short for... Bob!

E: Bob?!

b: Yes.

E: Well, Bob, welcome on board.

Sorry Baldrick, any reason why you are still here?

B: Euh .. I've got nowhere to go, my lord.

E: O surely you will be allowed to starve to death in one of the royal

parks.

B: I've been in your service since I was two and a halve, my lord.

E: Well that is the why I am so utterly sick of the sight of you.

B: Couldn't I just stay here and do the same job but for no wages?

E: Well, you know where you will have to live.

B: In the gutter.

B: Yes.

E: And you'll have to work a bit harder too.

B: Of course, my lord.

E: All right. Go and get Bob's stuff in and chuck your filthy muck out

into the street.

B: God bless you, sweet master.

[Baldrick leaves, Percy enters again, without beard]

E: Oh Bob, this is Percy, a dimwit I don't seem to be able to shake

off.

S: Ah, hello there Bob, you young roister-doister, you. Ah, you look a

likely sort of lad for tricks and sports and all sorts of jolly,

rosy cheap capering, eh. Of course you do, and more besides, I

warrant thee, young scamp.

b: Thank you so much for letting me stay Lord Blackadder.

E: Oh not at all Bob. I'm looking forward to having you... Euh, having

another man about the house instead of that animal Baldrick. Excuse

me, I must go into the lavatory.

b: [to the camera] How little he knows and how much I would have him

know.

S: I say Bob, I think this calls for a celebration. How about a game of

cup and ball and a slab of tea at Mrs. Miggins pie shop?

b: Get lost, creep!

S: Euh, euh, I like you young Bob. You've got balls.

In the court of Queen Elizabeth.

Q: Nice try Melchy, but it is no use. I'm still bored!

M: I'm very sorry madam. Your royal father used to be very amused by my

impersonation of Columbus.

Q: You don't surprise me. He used to laugh at these people with the

funny faces and the bells.

M: Ah, jesters ma'm.

Q: No, lepers. Where is Edmund these days?

M: Ah well, the whisper on the underground grapevine, ma'm, is that

Lord Blackadder is spending all his time with a young boy in his

service.

Q: Oh. Do you think he would spend more time with me if I was a boy?

M: Surely not madam.

N: You almost were a boy, my little cherrypit.

Q: What?

N: Yeah. Out you popped, out of your mummies pumpkin and everybody

shouting : "It's a boy, it's a boy!". And somebody said "but it

hasn't got a winkle!". And then I said "A boy without a winkle? God

be praised, it is a miracle. A boy without a winkle!" And then Sir

Thomas More pointed out that a boy without a winkle is a girl.

Anyway, I was really disappointed.

M: Oh yes, well you see, he was a very perceptive man, Sir Thomas More.

Q: Oh, what *has* happened about Edmund? There is something very odd

about someone who spends all his time with a servant.

[Romantic interlude with Edmund and Bob walking in the countryside to the

tunes of "Greensleeves", "The Rain it Raineth Every Day", "Hey Nonny, I

Love You", "My Love is a Prick (On a Tudor Rose)", "Hot Sex Madrigal in the

Middle of my Tights" and "Many, many more..."]

E: Well Bob. We're a couple of fine lads together, aren't we? Let's get

retted and talk about girls eh? Yes we could sink to really dirty

songs and... oh God, I find you curiously pleasant company, young

Bob.

b: I'm honoured and for my part want nothing more than to be with

you... old man.

E: Well absolutely. I mean there is nothing more healthy and normal

than having a good chum.

b: What think you my lord of love?

E: You mean rumpy pumpy?

b: What would you say my lord if I were to say "I love you".

E: Eum, well of course it depends entirely on whom you said it to. If

you said it to a horse I would presume you were sick, if you said it

to Baldrick I would presume you were blind and if you said it to me,

well...

b: Yes, my lord?

E: Well, well I'd naturally assume we were having a big lads joke about

back-tickle as the way we healthy fellows often do and I'd probably

grab you for a friendly wrestle and then we'd probably slap each

others sides like jolly good chums and laugh at what it would be

like if we really did fancy each other.

b: In that case my lord... I love you!

[Bob and Edmund engage in friendly wrestling, just when the mood changes,

Baldrick enters the room]

B: Don't worry Bob. He used to try and kill me too.

E: Why didn't you go Baldrick? Mighty glad to see you[?] What do you

want?

B: Bah, I was wondering if I might sleep on the roof sir? Earlier the

towns bailiff says that if I lie in the gutter I will be flushed

into the Thames with all the other turds.

E: Yes, certainly Baldrick. Help your self. I was just off to bed

anyway. Euh.. good night Baldrick. Good night Bob.

b: Good night my lord.

E: Yes. Oh God...

At the doctors.

D: Now then what seems to be the trouble?

E: Well, it is my man servant.

D: I see. Well don't be embarrassed if you got the pocks. Just pop your

man servant on the table and we'll take a look at him.

E: No, I mean, it is my real man servant.

D: Ah, ah. And what is wrong with him?

E: There is nothing wrong with him. That is the problem. He's perfect

and last night I almost kissed him.

D: I see. So you started fancying boys then, have you?

E: Not boys. A boy.

D: Yes, well let's not split hairs. It is all rather disgusting and

naturally you're worried.

E: Of course I'm worried.

D: Well, of course you are. It isn't every day a man wakes up to

discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on Gods

clean earth than a weazle. Ashamed of your self?

E: Not really, no.

D: Bloody hell! I would be. But still why should I complain? Just

leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh?

E: Look, am I paying for this personal abuse or is it extra?

D: No, it's all part of the service. I think you're in luck though. An

extraordinary new cure has just been developed for exactly this kind

of sordid problem.

E: It wouldn't have anything to do with leeches, would it?

D: I had no idea you were a medical man.

E: Never had anything you doctors didn't try to cure with leeches. A

leech on my ear for ear ache, a leech on my bottom for constipation.

D: They're marvellous, aren't they?

E: Well, the bottom one wasn't. I just sat there and squashed it.

D: You know the leech comes to us on the highest authority?

E: Yes. I know that. Dr. Hoffmann of Stuttgart, isn't it?

D: That's right, the great Hoffmann.

E: Owner of the largest leech farm of Europe.

D: Yes. Well, I cannot spend all day gossiping. I'm a busy man. As far

as this case is concerned I have now had time to think it over and I

can strongly recommend a course of leeches. [in chorus]

E: Yes. I 'll pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed.

D: No, no, no, no. Don't be ridiculous. This isn't the dark ages. Just

pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly.

In a couple of weeks you 'll be beating your servant with a stick,

just like the rest of us.

E: You're a sale[?] quack, aren't you?

D: I'd rather be a quack than a ducky. Good day.

At the house of lord Blackadder.

B: Anything to follow my lord? There is this lovely fat spider I found

in the bath. I was saving it for my self but if you fancy it...

E: Shut up Baldrick. I don't eat invertebrates for fun you know. This

is doctors orders.

B: Oh, I don't hold with this new fangle doctoring. Any problems, I go

to the Wise woman!

E: Yes Baldrick. I am long past on trusting my self to some deranged

druid who gives her professional address as 1, Dunghill Mansions,

Putney.

In Putney.

E: Tell me Young crone, is this Putney?

C: That it be, that it be.

E: "Yes it is". Not "that it be". You don't have to talk in that stupid

voice to me. I'm not a tourist. I seek information about a

Wisewoman.

C: Ah, the Wisewoman.. the Wisewoman.

E: Yes, the Wisewoman.

C: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is

... a woman, and second, she is ...

E: .. wise?

C: You do know her then?

E: No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll

be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know

where she lives?

C: Of course.

E: Where?

C: Here. Do you have an appointment?

E: No.

C: Well, you can go in anyway.

E: Thank you Young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not

going to give to you.

W: Hail Edmund, lord of Adders Black.

E: Hello.

W: Step no nearer, for already I see thy bloody purpose. Thou plot is,

Blackadder: thou wouldst be king and drown Middlesex in a butt of

wine. Ah, ah, ah, ah.

E: No, no, no, no. it is far worse than that. I'm in love with my man

servant.

W: Oh well, I'd sleep with him if I were you.

E: What?

W: When I fancy people, I sleep with them. Oh, I have to drug them

first of course! Being so old and watty.

E: But what about my position, my social life?

W: Very well then. Three other paths are open to you. Three cunning

plans to cure thy ailment.

E: Oh good.

W: The first is simple. Kill Bob!

E: Never.

W: Then try the second. Kill your self!

E: Neu. And the third?

W: The third is to ensure that no one else ever knows.

E: Ha, that sounds more like it. How?

W: Kill everybody in the whole world. Ah, ha, ha ...

At the house of Lord Blackadder.

E: Now look here Bob. I've got something very important to say to you

and I want you to listen very carefully.

b: Yes.

E: Look Bob. I've decided that you are to leave my service.

b: Oh no, my lord! My father will starve and I'll have to become a..

male prostitute. And besides, I thought we were friends.

E: Oh we are friends Bob. Of course, of course.. In fact that's the

reason I want you to leave my service and become my live-in[?] chum.

b: Oh my lord!

E: Now. I want to make definitely clear that I am in no way interested

in the contents of your tights.

b: You might be, my lord, if you knew what I kept in them.

E: Euh, ah.. I've learned of my self, well.. that I know what a

gentleman keeps in his tights. Thank you very much.

b: But my lord, I have a great secret.

E: What?

b: Prepare to be amazed. [Bob starts unbuttoning her blouse]

E: Oh no. You haven't got one of these birthmarks shaped like a banana,

have you?

b: No.

E: Or, or, or a tattoo saying "Get it here"?

b: No.

E: Oh God. You've got one of those belly buttons that sticks outward,

haven't you?

b: No my lord.

E: Now what can it possibly be?

[Mysterious music on a flute]

E: Aah... good Lord!

[Two minutes later, Bob and Edmund chatting at the table]

E: What was all that Bob's stuff about then?

b: Because you would have just used me and cast me aside like you have

so many women before.

E: Would I?

b: Yes. But now you have a chance to grow to love me for what I really

am.

E: Yes, that's true and now I want to marry you, Bob.

b: Kate!

E: Then come, kiss me Kate!

In the Court of Queen Elizabeth.

M: I bring grave intelligence of your former favourite Lord Blackadder.

Q: Oh good.

M: It appears he wishes to marry a girl called Bob.

Q: It is a very odd name for a girl, isn't it? Girls are normally

called Elizabeth or Mary.

N: And Donald...

Q: Mouth is open Nursie, should be shut.

N: Thing is true, sweet one. I had three sisters and they were called

Donald, Eric and Basil.

Q: Then why is your name Nursie?

N: That ain't my real name.

Q: Isn't it?

N: No.

Q: No, what is your real name then?

N: Bernard.

Q: Suites you, actually.

[Edmund enters the room]

E: Your Majesty.

Q: Oh, hello stranger.

E: I seek your permission to wed.

Q: So I hear. Melchie, what do you think of all this?

M: Oh, but I must confess madam, that I'm astonished that Blackadder

could possibly have eyes for any other woman than your self.

Q: Good point. Though slightly grovely.

E: Very well. When I fell in love I didn't know she was a woman. I

thought she was a boy.

M: But of course that makes it perfectly acceptable, doesn't it?

Q: Oh all right, go on and marry her.

E: Thank you, ma'm.

Q: Just tell me one thing. Is her nose as pretty as mine?

E: Oh, no, no.. ma'm.

Q: Oh good, because otherwise I would have cut it off. And then you

would have to marry someone without a nose and that wouldn't be very

nice, would it?

E: No ma'm.

Q: Imagine the mess when she's got a cold! Yuck!

E: Well, quite ma'm.

Q: All right, off you go then.

[Edmund leaves]

Q: Everyone seems to get married except me.

N: And me, Ma'm.

Q: Oh shut up, Bernard.

At Blackadders residence.

K: You'll make a lovely bridesmaid Baldrick. Pity me that I have no

actual girl chums because we were so poor in our house we couldn't

afford friends.

E: It is strangely in keeping with the manner of our courtship that

your maid of honour should be a man.

B: Thank you very much my lord.

E: Well, I use the word man in an as broad as possible sense because we

all know God made man in his own image. It would be a sad look out

for christians around the globe if God looked any like you,

Baldrick.

K: Ignore old Mister Grumpy. There you are, Boulders. Hmm, you look

sweet as a little pie.

E: Kate, he looks like what he is: a dung ball in a dress.

[Percy enters]

S: Oh Edmund... [sees the bridesmaid]

Hello there... Edmund, you didn't tell me we were expecting guests.

And such a pretty one too.

E: Oh God...

S: Now you're a little cuty to be hiding your self away all these

years. Tell me gorgeous, what is your name?

E: He's called Baldrick.

S: Baldrick.. that's a pretty name. Edmund used to have a servant

called Baldrick. But anyway, away with such small-talk. Lady.. a

kiss!

b: What?

S: And so modest too. Come on you little tease. You know you want to.

Give us a kiss.

b: All right, if you say so. [kisses Percy heavily]

S: Ohghw...he.. what an original perfume.

E: That is our Baldrick. He's wearing a dress.

S: Ourgh..

E: Anyway, what do you want?

S: Ourgh... well euh.. [deep voice] Edmund, there has been some

discussion around the Court on the subject of who's going to be your

best man and I thought it might be the moment to bring the subject

to a conclusion.

E: Ah yes, Percy. I would like you...

S: Oh, I'm so proud!

E: Please let me finish. I would like you to take this letter to Dover

where is recently docked the galleon of my old school friend and

adventurer Lord Flashheart. He shall be my best man.

S: Lord Flash Heart. The best sword, the best shot, the best sailor and

the best kisser in the kingdom.

E: Even he. To Dover at once!

S: Yes. Actually I was going to suggest Lord Flash Heart as the best

man my self.

E: Were you?

[S leaves, crying his eyes out]

In front of the church.

[Wedding bells]

K: Edmund I cannot believe it is really happening.

E: It is, my sweet.

K: Before we go in I want you to meet my father.

E: Oh fine!

E: [to the old man standing near them] Excuse me, could you move along

please. Look, I'm waiting for my father in law. Last thing I want is

some scruffy old beggar blocking the church door, smelling of

cabbage.

F: I am your father in law.

E: Oh no... All right, how much you want to clear off?

K: Edmund, how could you? He's my father, my only living relative.

F: Ten pounds should do the trick.

K: Father!

E: All right, there we go.

K: Edmund, you mustn't!

E: No, don't worry, I'll get Baldrick to beat him up after the

ceremony. We'll get the money back. Come on, we're late.

In the court of Queen Elizabeth.

Q: Ah Edmund. Could we get on do you think? I want to get to the

reception so I can get squiffy and seduce someone.

E: Yes.. oh.. unfortunately ma'm, my best man still has not arrived.

Q: Well, get another one.

E: Ma'm, there is no one else I can really think of.

S: Euh.

E: Sorry Percy?

S: Nothing my lord, just clearing my throat.

E: Don't. I don't want you coughing all the way through the ceremony.

Q: Oh, come on Edmund. You must be able to think of another best man.

E: Well, I suppose I could ask Percy. Percy!

S: My lord!

E: Can you think of another best man?

S: Well my lord. One name does spring to mind.

E: Yes. But I can't ask Baldrick. He's a bridesmaid and besides, I need

a friend, an equal, an old and trusty companion.

S: I think there is one person in the room who fits the description.

E: Of course... Nursie! How do you fancy putting on a pair of hose and

being my best man?

Q: Edmund, don't be so naughty. You know perfectly well whom Percy is

referring to.

E: All right, I'm sorry. Melchard! [squeak] All right! All right! As

ashamed as I am and contradiction in terminus though it is, Percy,

you can be the best man.

S: Oh, my lord! Noble cause, oh what an honour. I brought along a ring,

just...

E: I really did think old Flash would have turned up.

[Lord Flashheart enters in spectacular fashion]

F: It's me, Flash! Flash by name, Flash by nature. Hurrah!

E: Where have you been?

F: Where haven't I been! ..Waugh!!!.. But I'm here now.

F: Who is that?

E: I don't know, but he is in your place.

F: Not for long. Hold that.

[Hands his sword to Baldrick, then throws Percy through the door]

F: Thanks bridesmaid, like the beard. Gives me something to hang on to.

F: So me old mate Eddie is getting hitched, hey? What's the matter?

Can't stand the pace of the mmmm [grabs Edmund's tights].

Hey queeny. You look sexy. Listen, wear your hair long, I prefer it

that way.

Q: [to the camera] I've got such a crush on him.

F: Hey Melchie! Still worshipping God? Last thing I heard He started

worshipping ME...

Ah Nursie, I like it firm and fruity. Am I pleased to see you or did

I just put a canoe in my pocket? Down boy, down. And now... where is

this amazing bird? The one who stopped my old pall Eddie doing

exactly whatever he wants, ten times a night.

E: Ah yes Flash, let me introduce my... my fiancee Kate.

F: Hi, baby! [Flash kisses the bride]

F: She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a

man's tonsils. You don't want to marry this jerk baby? Meet me on my

horse in eight seconds.

K: But I can't run in this frock. You see, I found I actually preferred

wearing boys clothes.

F: Weird. I always feel more comfy in a dress. I got a plan and it's as

hot as my pants.

E: What a man Flash is, eh? Things will certainly liven around here,

now he's back. Flash. Flash??

[Flash (in dress) and Kate (in boys clothes) on a horse, about to depart]

F: So long, suckers! Next time you get bored with your lives just give

me a call and I'll come round and kill you.

K: Bye Edmund and thanks for everything. Hurrah!

[Flash leaves in the same style as he arrived]

M: It is customary on these occasions for the groom to marry the

bridesmaid. I presume you intend to honour this.

B: I do.

[Song]

So Flash Heart tweaked the Adders beard,

from now he always shall be single.

To fall in love with boys is weird,

especially boys without a tingle.

Blackadder, Blackadder. His taste is rather odd.

Blackadder, Blackadder a randy little sod.

Lord Flash Heart, Lord Flash Heart, I wish you were the star.

Lord Flash Heart, Lord Flash Heart, you're sexier by far.

BBC MCMLXXXV AD.